Cat-Boom! Here it comes, people.


A pre-bout analysis of the 2016 TXRD Roller Derby Championship between the Cherry Bombs and the Hellcats.

The time is finally upon us. This Saturday, the final two teams will face of in the 2016 Championship bout to settle up on which one of them deserves that most coveted of sports awards: the Calvello Cup. (Did I just hear angels sing?) The first team to get there was the Hellcats, rocketing through the season, and going from the zeros of last season to the heroes of this one. They are laser focused and ready for redemption. Their opponents will be the Cherry Bombs, who had a hard fight to get to the championship, but are no less determined to destroy the Kitties and claim the cup for their own. Who will bring home the glory this season? Well, let the W.C. walk you through this real quick-like.

Lets take the Cherry Bombs: a team with a pedigree. This season under the leadership of veteran ass-kickers Train Wreck Trina and Milla Juke-a-bitch; these ladies have steered their ship through some choppy waters with dignity and grace (and also whatever the opposite of dignity and grace are). And the team they lead are just as dangerous a they are with the likes of Ninja Please dusting things up in the pack and newcomer Joliet Jane who has emerged as a surprise threat in the second half of this season. The Bombs biggest asset is their diversity. Every one of their key players is not only a point scoring threat, but a stellar blocker as well. More than once I’ve witnessed Ninja, Milla and others have a massive point scoring jam and turn around and shut down their opponents with textbook blocking on the next one. The biggest pitfall I foresee for the Bombs would be mismanagement, specifically not resting their jammers as much as they should and letting them get tired out. The Bombs are ready to blow it up, though, (Did you see what I did there?) and they’ve got the gasoline to do it.

And then there’s the Hellcats. From dead last to number one in the span of just a single season. Those kitties ain’t pussy-footin’ around anymore. The claws are out and they are sharp! With Neil B4 Zod as their coach and Glitterotica on captain duty, the Hellcats have blitzkrieged their way through opponents this season. Their only loss this season was arguably a strategic one, with the intent to keep as many players healthy as possible for the forthcoming championship.  They’ve got the jamming threats with Jammit Janet and Break-n-bake, and they’ve got the heavy hitters rearing to go with Heathen in the pack and the return of Knottie Knoxville at mid-season. And they have momentum. The Cat-Train-to-Glory has been steaming along all season and the last stop is Championshipville. If anything slows them down, I think it will be psychological. If they get behind and get frustrated, they may just drag themselves down. But they haven’t been down all season, and there’s no indication that they’ll start now.

It all comes down to this, Ladies and Non-Ladies. In the words of the immortal Highlander, “There can be only one”, and it’s going to be a tough scrape to get there. Who’s going to come out on top? This one’s a toss up. A 50/50 shot at glory for each side. The W.C. will be there at the Thunderdome for all four quarters of bruises, blood and hell-on-wheels action! See you there!

Thanks stopping by. It gets so lonely around here.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me inappropriately touch his photographs.

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