Playoffs: Bombin’ the Church

cbvhr09172016

A post-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers 2016 playoff bout.

Did you ever see that scene from Big Trouble in Little China where they’re in the alley and the Chang Sing are facing off against the Wing Kong, and they’re all staring at each other, all serious and shit, and then they’re all like, “YAAARG!”, and then it’s just like a flurry of angry fists as bodies go flying all over the place? That’s pretty much what it was like as the Cherry Bombs took on the Holy Rollers in the 2016 TXRD playoffs. Plus it’s extra fun because I get to be Jack Burton in this scenario because I’m just sitting back, watching it all unfold before me until people start showing up with light coming out of their mouths. (Wait, did that actually happen or was that just the movie. Damnit, that’s the last time I accept a drink from Rasta Fury before a bout.) The stakes couldn’t be any higher as the winner gets their shot at the championship and the losers go home for the season. Well, did Lo Pan become flesh again, or did Egg Shen banish him with his Six Demon Bag? Read on for the Lo-down. (Did you see what I did there?)

Prissy Galore would kick things off for the Holy Rollers as she grabbed three points in the first jam against Bendy Davis. The Cherry Bombs would be quick to answer as Rocky Casbah ripped through the pack like someone at the Bob Marley Fest rips through a bag of Cheetos for two points. Prissy would be busy early as she squared off against Rolla Parks for the Bombs, taking the jam to the full minute allotted and eventually getting four points out of it. Dyers Eve would shred  her way through a well executed Cherry Bomb blocking scheme to get five points, but Train Wreck Trina would get flagged for a major penalty on the jam and wind up in the penalty box. On the re-skate, Dyers would grab the opportunity like James Hetfield grabs a tuned-down guitar and rode the lightning like a master of puppets when nothing else matters to get justice for all and eight more points for the Holy Rollers. The Cherry Bombs would start to mount a comeback with Bully Jean punishing people in the pack to help Joliet Jane get four points and Bendy Davis zipped through the pack like my uncle Cooter at a Golden Corral on coupon day for four points of her own. But the Rollers weren’t done yet and Prissy would close out the first quarter with five points to put her team up 26-14.

Scrappy would start the second quarter with two hard-earned points, followed by Rocky making it look easy as she flew through the pack for five more points for the Bombs. Penalties would send Ghettostar Balactica and Prissy Galore to the penalty box for the Rollers, which would give Rocky the chance to add eight more points for the Bombs on the re-skate. Bible ThumpHer would jump out in front for four points in her first jam of the night after missing the first quarter. (I assume she got tied up with some snake handling or laying on of hands. It’s okay, ThumpHer. We’ve all been there.) Not long after, ThumpHer would go head to head with Joliet Jane and the two would trade spots at lead jammer in an intense exchange that would ultimately have Jane pulling out in front and calling off the jam defensively. Train Wreck would fight hard in a jam against Hermione Danger for three points that would come with help in the form of Ghettostar Balactica losing a skate halfway through the jam and being forced to the center of the ring to get things sorted. The Cherry Bombs would consistently dominate the pack with Jolet, Rocky and Bully all blocking well. This blocking would help Scrappy to close out the half by adding five points to a growing Cherry Bombs lead. The half would end with a scuffle between Ghettostar Balactica and Rolla Parks, and a score in the Bombs favor of 33-43.

Rocky Casbah would keep the points a comin’ with a run for six to start the second half. Ninja Please for the Bombs and Boi Division for the Rollers would end up in the penalty box on that jam, and on the re-skate Rocky would add four more points, along with a shot to the face from Dyers Eve that would leave her shaking the cobwebs out. On the next jam, Hermione Danger would jump the apex and get out in front, only to call the jam off defensively, even though Bendy Davis was held up in the pack like her namesake got held up in the Texas Senate. (Sorry Bendy…and Wendy…and Texas as a whole.) Soon after, Scrappy would go up against Prissy, and while Scrappy was well in the lead, the refs failed to see her calling off the jam in time to stop Prissy from making off with two points for the Rollers. (A travesty of officiating? Only history will tell.) Late in the third, Joliet Jane would get four points for the Bombs and run the clock down on opposing jammer ThumpHer, but Prissy Galore would answer with five points on a subsequent jam. Rocky would finish the third quarter strong with a three point jam, and the Bombs would sit on a comfortable lead going into the final quarter at 43-62.

ThumpHer would start the fourth quarter with a quick two points and Prissy would follow it up with a slick inside pass to add five more points for the Rollers. The Bombs would earn back two of those points on the next jam which would feature Elle B. Bach of the Rollers dusting it up with opponents Lois Slayin and Ninja Please, earning her an unsportswoman like conduct call. (Let’s be real, though. Can we truly expect a robot from the future to understand all the subtle nuances of human interactions? Her programing can’t handle all that computing while still maintaining a detailed file on human anatomy in order to be a more efficient killer. Everybody knows that.) With the Rollers on their heels, Danger would call off another jam defensively against Scrappy. ThumpHer and Prissy would once again fight back with scoring runs of their own, but Ghettostar would end up in the penalty box again, allowing a spent-looking Joliet to earn two points for the Bombs. (To be fair to Jane, four fried chickens and a Coke will weigh you down a little at the end of the day.) The Bombs would have their turn with Rolla Parks in the penalty box, but they made lemonade out of lemons and Bendy turned the jam into four points. Late in the bout, Dyers would get four points and Prissy would close out by adding one more point to the Rollers total, but the Bombs would not be denied, and they took the victory home with a score of 62 for the Holy Rollers, 70 for the Cherry Bombs.

The bout started well for the Holy Rollers. Prissy Galore and Dyers Eve would put up points often and early and it looked as though they had caught the Cherry Bombs flat footed as they ended the first quarter with a decent lead. But the breaks would start to go against them for the rest of the bout as the Bombs found their footing and hit their stride with a deep roster of jammers and well executed pack work. The Rollers have definite threats at the jammer position, and Prissy and ThumpHer are guaranteed to put up double digit points any time they take to the track. But you can’t make cookies just with chocolate chips, and even though they mounted a valiant comeback late in the bout, it ultimately did the Rollers in. The Cherry Bombs look like a well oiled machine at this point, and you would expect nothing less from the team that is now headed to the championship. The strong leadership of Train Wreck and Milla Juke-a-bitch have steered them towards victory so far, and you can bet they’ll keep it coming for the finale.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think in the comments. Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for the use of his photos.

Come back next time for more derby from the W.C.!

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