Knock, Knock. Who’s there? PLAYOFFS B*tches!

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A pre-bout analysis for the Holy Rollers vs. the Cherry Bombs

The playoffs are upon us! Two teams enter the stage, having left a legacy of vanquished foes in their wake, they square off against each other for the decisive battle to determine who gets the chance to fight for that most coveted of sports awards: the Calvello Cup. On one side we have those princesses of punk-rock, those marauders in maroon shorts: the Cherry Bombs. And facing off against them are the bad girls from Sacred Heart, the belles in blue plaid: the Holy Rollers. They’ll face each other this Saturday to find out which one has the eye-of-the-tiger and which one just has tired-eyes. Which one has the best shot? Well, lets examine that quandary for a moment.

First up we have the Holy Rollers. It’s been a bumpy ride in the church-mobile, but they have climbed the mountain and now can see the promised land. (I assume their promised land is full of booze and black jack and those ball pits they have at Chuck E. Cheese’s that they don’t let adults get into.(Come on, Chuck E. These kids can’t even appreciate the unfettered joy of a ball pit after three tequila slammers, and I’m pretty sure that kid in the corner is just peeing in the ball pit!)) (On a side note, does anybody else think I overuse parentheses? I feel like I may have gone one parentheses too far.)…(). “And lo, the seal was broken. And there was a great noise. And from this emerged the four bringers of doom. And they were so called Danger, Prissy, ThumpHer and Boi.” These four harbingers of destruction are the Rollers biggest strength at the moment. They are a points producing factory and they’re about to put in some overtime. Any strategy the Cherry Bombs might have should definitely put those four as the priority. And with the likes of Elle B Bach and Vanna Fook clogging things up in the pack, they’ll have things covered.

And then there are the Cherry Bombs. Sitting pretty at the number two spot, the Bombs have got a definite swagger coming into this bout, and that swagger is well deserved. Their roster is chock full of veteran threats like Train Wreck Trina and Ninja Please, as well as dangerous newcomers like Joleit Jane who’s been getting better with each bout (And, ironically since they’re facing the Holy Rollers, I hear she’s on a mission from god). Their players aren’t one dimensional, either. More than once I’ve watched Ninja jam her guts out only to follow it up with impressive pack work, solid blocking, and a touch of style to boot. If they bring half the gusto that they usually bring, the Rollers will have their work cut out for them.

So which one of these pain-machines-on-wheels will be the better team? It’s a pretty even split from where the W.C. sits. The Rollers have targeted threats with their jammers, but the Bombs have a diverse skill set. You’ll just have to grab a seat at the Thunderdome and see how this one plays out. One thing’s for sure, it’ll be a sphincter clincher (Oh, “Sphincterella” new derby name! Dibs!).

Thanks for reading another one of my senseless ramblings. Leave me a comment if you disagree with me, I dare you.

Or do it if you agree with me, that’s cool too.

Or not. I’m not the boss of you.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for the misuse of his photos.

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