A post-bout analasis of the Hellcats vs. las Putas del Fuego

Jimeny Christmas, is the roller derby regular season already over? You bet your sweet bippy it is! And what were you doing while these belles of the banked track were skating their guts out, bleeding and breaking their bodies to try to achieve that most coveted of sports accolades: the Calvello Cup? Oh, you were sitting at home watching reruns of the Real Housewives of Orange County while simultaneously Facebook stalking your husbands high school girlfriend. (It’s okay, she ended up in rehab. Your husband definitely traded up when he eventually married you after you “accidentally” forgot your birth control that one time. You’re the real hero.) Well, guess what, Missy, you haven’t lived until you’ve cheered on another woman while she rails a girl and then beats her senseless while giving the crowd the finger in fishnets and face paint. Hmm, that sounds intriguing, you say? Well let the W.C. fill you in on what you missed last Saturday when the Hellcats took on las Putas del Fuego.

The bout started off (to the surprise of no one) with Lyka Boss of las Putas getting four points of the first jam of the evening. The Hellcats would have a rough start to the evening with early penalties sending their new jammer-de-supériorité, Break n Bake, to the penalty box, but this wouldn’t stop veteran Glitterotica from jumping the apex at turn one and bringing in one point in a jam against Puta Knockout. The Putas would continue to score easily in the first, but the Hellcats would keep the pressure as the Kitties Jammit Janet ran down Smitey Mouse to steal the jam from her and scored two points to Mouses’ one. (Cat and Mouse! Get it? Just like when my cat runs down a mouse, except this time I didn’t end up with the decapitated corpse of Mouse at the foot of my bed. That’s not how roller derby is played. Not even in Texas. Your thinking of Death Race. Which is not a real thing. You know what, just go back to your Housewives show, you can’t handle sophisticated entertainment.) Late in the first, Bake n Break would make amends for her earlier transgressions when she scored a tidy five points in one jam. The first quarter would come to a close with las Putas in the lead 21 – 11.

Lyka Boss would continue her dominance in the second quarter as she fought her way around the track for 3 points in a jam against Hannthrax. Puta Rasta Fury would jump the apex, but loses her footing and fell backward. All would not be lost, though, as she quickly got to her feet again, only to be met by the sparkling elbow-of-fury from Gitterotica that would put her back down again, allowing Break n Bake to pull out in front and take home two points. (On a side note: “Sparkling Elbow of Fury” is the name of my funk band.) Glitters overly aggressive defense would earn her a trip to the penalty box, and while she was forcibly cooling her heels, Rasta would press her advantage to the tune of five more points for las Putas. Not long after, Jammit Janet would take a hard hit into the rails that would leave her shaking the cobwebs out and looking a little sluggish as she went point-for-point with Knockout for three each. (I’m fairly certain I saw actual stars swirling around her helmet.) Boss would continue to churn out the points, but the Hellcats would make her earn it on a long jam against Hannthrax who would score three points against a las Putas runaway defense to Boss’s one. The Hellcats would continue to inch their way back as Hannthrax earned another two points to Knockouts one, and Janet would steal another jam from Mouse who could only politely voice her objection to Janet’s receding posterior. (For those of you who don’t know her, Mouse is a paradigm of sophistication.) But when the chips are down, las Putas know who to call, and sent Boss back in to get six more points against Hellcat Hired Gun Whiskey Smash. At the end of the half las Putas would still be in the lead at 32 – 22.

To kick off the second half, las Putas would field Lyka Boss again, but Jammit Janet decided to take a hug break, got her hands around Boss and took her to the ground to stop another scoring run. The shenanigans would land both jammers in the penalty box and put Glitterotica and Mouse at the jammer spots as replacements. Mouse would capitalize on the opportunity and earn four points for las Putas. Hannthrax would, once again go up against Knockout and outscored her with five points to her two. The pressure would continue to come from the Hellcats as Boss is forced to call of a jam with Jammit Janet nipping at her heels. But Knockout would bounce back for las Putas with six points on a jam against Baker, who was never able to reset in the pack. Boss would continue to tear things up with another two points against Baker (and by “tear things up” I mean she was pooping points all over the track. Strangely enough, not something you get a penalty for, (also just like my cat except there’s no risk of me stepping in a pile of points in the middle of the night and getting them all squashed between my toes)). The third quarter would end with Knockout and Hannthrax going neck and neck with four points each on a jam. The Putas would have a comfortable lead going into the final quarter at 65 – 33.

The Hellcats would get backed into a corner at the start of the fourth with Glitterotica and Knottie Knoxville in the penalty box, but Baker would show off why she’s the hottest draft pick since Rocky Casbah and get out in front and earn two points on the jam. Janet would continue to keep pressure on las Putas, staying on Eduskater’s tail and earning two points to her one. Boss would once again beat Hannthrax out of the pack and get five points, but Glitterotica would take exception to this and let Boss know with the subtle language, (nay, art) of fisticuffs. Knockout and Whiskey would stay neck-and-neck for three points each, but Glitterotica would have one final argument to elucidate to Boss and tackled her again. At this point, tackling fever would grip the Hellcats as Heathen took down Knockout after she stole the jam and called it off defensively. Whiskey would go up against Eduskater, with Eduskater earning three points and Whiskey one, but while the jammers battle unfolds, Glitterotica managed to earn her third major penalty of the bout and took the walk-of-shame into ejection land for the remainder of the evening. Eduskater and Whiskey would go at it again, this time with Eduskater getting a whopping seven points to Whiskeys two. And the bout would close with Heathen earning back those seven points for the Hellcats against Ramona deFlowers. But all of the Hellcats efforts would not be enough to close the gap and las Putas would take the evening with a score of 87 – 56.

In the end this bout was academic for both teams: the Hellcats have already secured their place in the championship this season, and las Putas are already out of the playoffs. The Hellcats played with their usual precision, but were clearly playing it safe, avoiding injury and trying to save their energy for that big banked blowout next month, which is probably the smartest play they could have made. Las Putas definitely wanted to go out on a high note, and that’s exactly what they went for, playing Lyka Boss (easily their best player, and maybe even best in the league at this juncture (spoiler alert: that’s why she’s the boss)) literally every other jam, and flying into the fray like a hungry redneck with a Golden Corral coupon book. The tension is mounting as the championship draws closer. The next bout will put the final piece into place as far as which team gets their shot at glory this season. You can bet your sweet bippy that the W.C. will be there to watch it all unfold.

Thanks for reading even though this post was later than usual. Hey sometimes life has to be dealt with first, it’s not like I’m making any money in this. The W.C. is all noble and shit. He does it for the love of the game. And cookies. Actually there’s not much I wouldn’t do for the offer of cookies. My friendship can be bought with cookies.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for permitting the use of his photos.

Drop me a line sometime. I made puddin.

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