Rollers and Rhinestones


A post-bout analysis of the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Holy Rollers.

A cowgirl and a nun walk into a bar…What’s a nun doing in a bar, you ask? Well, when it’s  the Sisters from the Sacred Heart School for Girls, you can bet it’s gonna be putting the bruise onto some filthy heathens. And who might those heathens be? Well, saddled up to the bar sit the Rhinestone Cowgirls, TXRD’s resident ropers-in-wranglers. They’ve had a tough season on the range and they’re in no mood for a sermon. The piano goes silent and the room clears out as the Rhinestone Cowgirls face off against the Holy Rollers. The Rollers fight to keep their playoff hopes alive and the Cowgirls want to finish the season on a high note and a win under their belt. This barroom brawl is about to spill out onto the streets and one thing’s for certain: the next 32 minutes are going to be messy.

The bout would kick off well for the Rhinestone Cowgirls with Sassy Squasher and Bad Apple putting up the first five points of the bout between the two of them. But the Holy Rollers didn’t come to spectate and Bible ThumpHer  answered with four points of her own on a jam against Mad Maxican. Soon after, Prissy Galore would square off against Sassy and stack on another seven points for the Rollers, and ThumpHer would steal a jam from Apple and take another two points back to the Rollers tithing plate. (And by tithing I mean the money they extort from the neighborhood kids to buy brass knuckles and blackjacks.) What do you do when your teammates hog all the glory? If you’re Hermione Danger you tip-toe like a ballerina around a wall of Cowgirl blockers, just staying in-bounds. But Cowgirl Catty Whompass was not content to watch Danger run away with the jam and tackled her as she emerged on the straight away. Danger shook off her assailant and was still able to earn an impressive six points on her jam. Gnarly Carly would set out to try and make up the difference for the Cowgirls, but Prissy Galore would steal the jam from her along with two points for the Rollers. Despite loosing lead status, however, Carly would outscore Prissy on that same jam with three points. The finish of the first quarter would have the Rollers up 27-11.

To start the second quarter, the Cowgirls would keep ThumpHer in check with the effective blocking trio of Bikini Killer, Cold Warr and Ablazin Grace. But even though she was bottled up, ThumpHer still managed to get one point. Danger would would take to the track again with her usual gusto, but with Mad Maxican hot on her heels, she would call of a jam after squeezing out just one point. Prissy Galore would continue her impressive scoring runs, but Catty Whompass (still sore, no doubt, about her dust-up with Danger)would soon tire of this and put a hard lick on Prissy to stop another of her scoring runs. Danger would once again call off a promising jam as Gnarly Carly kept the pressure on for the Cowgirls. But soon it would be the Cowgirls turn to be on the receiving end Sassy Squasher raced neck-and-neck with ThumpHer, pressing her advantage and only barely calling the jam off in time to thwart the Rollers. The Cowgirls would finish the second quarter strong with Mad grabbing six points, Carly sneaking through the pack like a cat burglar for four, and Sassy Squasher nabbing five to close out the half. But the Rollers still held tightly to the lead with 44 to the Cowgirls 25.

The defenses would give a strong showing at the start of the second half with Nicola Virus keeping Mad Maxican in check for the Rollers, and Ablazin Grace and Domme Draper shutting down ThumpHer for the Cowgirls. But what do you do when there’s a big wall of defense smashed up in front of you? If you’re Hermione Danger, you jump the apex of turn one to earn the Rollers three more points. But Bad Apple showed her that Cowgirls never say “die” (Or is that Goonies? Or was Goonies Pirates? *gasp* Or Pirate Cowboys!…I think I have the name of my new derby team.) and one-uped her to bring in four for the Cowgirls. This would start a trend for the Cowgirls and soon Rollers would start flying around like chihuahuas at a punting contest as Gnarly Carly smashed past the defense of Roller Ghettostar Balactica for two points. Dyers Eve would be sent to the penalty box to do a few hail maries, allowing Sassy Squasher to rack up an impressive eight points for the Cowgirls, and Apple would maintain a wide lead on Danger to earn four points. The third quarter would end with the Cowgirls getting a rope around that bull and digging their heels in to close the gap on the Rollers lead of 52-45.

Nicola Virus and Boi Division would start the fourth quarter for the Rollers in the penalty box. What do you do when two of your teammates are out for a jam? If you’re Hermione Danger, you fly through the pack like that bad Thai food through my guts last week, get lead jammer, call off the jam and save the penalty. The Rollers would start to re-assert themselves with Atilla the Nun slowing the Cowgirls momentum with aggresive blocking and ThumpHer capitalizing on Gnarly Carly being in the penalty box to the tune of eight points. Prissy would join in on the fun with seven points of her own, but would soon find herself in the penalty box with Danger forced to jam defensively again. What do you do if defense isn’t your strong suit? If you’re Hermione Danger, you jump the apex again to call off another jam. Mad Maxican would fight back against the Rollers for two points, but the momentum would never swing back in their favor and ThumpHer would put the nail in the coffin with a seven point jam late in the fourth. The bout would come to a close with the Holy Rollers victorious over the Cowgirls,84-50.

The Rhinestone Cowgirls had a strong outing, possibly their best this season, and for a brief moment in the third quarter it seemed the momentum may have shifted in their favor. But the Holy Rollers have the weapons to get themselves out of a pinch and with Hermione Danger tap-dancing her way around the pack and Bible ThumpHer plowing her way through opponents, the Rollers came back. And hard. The absence of Dusty Doublewide on the track has been sorely felt by the Cowgirls this season (and by a dedicated fan base…Dusty, please come back, my life is empty without you! (…Sorry Boss.)). And it can be tough to loose one of the best tools in your toolbox. It’s not all doom and gloom for the Cowgirls, however. They have solid veterans like Mad Maxican and Cold Warr to prop them up, as well as exciting new players to build on like Domme Drapper. It’s a fond farewell to the Cowgirls for this season, but it won’t be long until next year when those six-guns come blazin’ back!

Come back next time for more TXRD from the W.C.! Thanks for visiting my inter web station. Special thanks to  Jeffrey McMillan for letting me manhandle his photographs.

Leave a comment if you have your own opinions on the bout. (I love it when they talk derby to me.) Or if you just want to say “hi”. Y’know, whatever’s cool.

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