Cowgirls in the Chapel


A pre-bout analysis for the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Holy Rollers.

A dusty figure emerges from the windy trail and casts a long shadow across the track at the TXRD Thunderdome. Two opponents eye each other in the fading light of the arid plains. Eyes squinting, the Rhinestone Cowgirls size up their opponents. Unflinchingly, the Holy Rollers return the steely gaze. They both know it’s come to this. The final regular season bout for both teams. The Holy Rollers will hit the track in hopes of keeping their playoff chances alive with a solid win. But the Cowgirls have stakes of their own as they try to close out the season with a win under their jewel studded gun belt.  They each move their hands slowly towards their holsters. Soon there will be a flurry of action, and then one team will stand victorious with their opponent cold in the dust.

The Rollers have had an uphill battle this season, but they hold their own future in their hands and a win this week would keep their chances of making it into the playoffs a statistical possibility. They’ve been strong under the leadership team-up of Prissy Galore and Hermione Danger (incidentally, “Danger Galore” is the title of my James Bond/Harry Potter fan fiction). And with a blocking core with the likes of Elle B. Bach and Ghettostar Balactica (also incidentally, “Galactinator” is the title of my Terminator/Battlestar Galactica fan fiction) wreaking havoc on opposing jammers, the Rollers are well positioned to finish the regular season on a high note.

The Cowgirls have had a rough go of it this season but doubtless want to finish strong and take the momentum of a win into the off season. The pieces are there for the Cowgirls: they have veterans Dusty Doublewide and Cold Warr anchoring the team, nimble jammers Mad Maxican and Bad Apple among others, and workhorse pack members like Bikini Killer and Domme Draper. Their only thing they’ve been lacking this season is that spark to bring those instruments together into a symphony. A deadly symphony in fishnets and halter-tops (incidentally, “Fishnets and Halter-Tops” is the name of my western re-imagining of The Rocky Horror Picture Show).

Who takes home the victory this week? Statistics would point towards the Holy Rollers. When they’re not carving swear words into the confession booth, they’re practicing their hip checks on the neighborhood children. But the Rhinestone Cowgirls are just mean enough to pull off the upset. They keep getting hit over the head with empty whiskey bottles, but like the stubborn tough-girls that they are, they get right back up and dare you to do it again.  We’ll just have to head over to the Thunderdome and see who’s faster on the draw.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for allowing the abuse of his photographs.

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