A post-bout analysis of the Cherry Bombs vs las Putas del Fuego
It was an old fashioned slugfest as the lean and mean Cherry Bombs took on the hard hitting las Putas del Fuego in a decisive bout. For las Putas, this bout would get them one step closer to the post-season and be a huge boost of confidence going into their final bout of the year. For the Bombs, this is their last chance to take fate into their own hands and potentially secure a playoff berth. Who would conquer the ring and who would be left bloody and bruised on the canvas? The opponents came to the center with fire in their eyes, touched gloves, and then the gloves immediately came off as the skates hit the track at the Thunderdome.
The tone for much of the first quarter would be set on the first jam of the night, with Bendy Davis for the Cherry Bombs and Lyka Boss for las Putas del Fuego in a dead heat that would earn them each one point. The defenses would be on show for the rest of the quarter with Lois Slay’n and Bully Jean shutting down the Putas’ jammers. On the other side of the track, las Putas were impressive early with Bidi Bidi Boom Boom and Corazone setting up walls that stopped the Bombs in their tracks. With help from Ramona Deflowers and Lyka Boss in the “hit them because they wear a different color than us” department, las Putas were going to make them earn every inch in this bout. The field finally opened up with an impressive jam from Cherry Bomb Joliette Jane for four points, who was skating like she was on the run from Illinois Nazis. (Did you see what I did there? It’s a Blues Brothers reference. Come on, this is A material, here.) Points were at a premium in the first quarter and it would end with the Bombs up 6 – 4 (the lowest score the W.C. has ever seen for a first quarter).
At the start of the second, Bendy Davis decided low scoring is for soccer and grabbed eight points in a jam against Puta Juicy Cooter. Soon after, the crowd was treated to the matchup of the evening with Lyka Boss jamming head to head with newly returned Bomb Rocky Casbah. (Seriously, this is like my Batman vs. Superman, except this is actually awesome and everything makes sense and nobody takes a big dump on my childhood, Zack Snyder!) Boss would edge out Rocky at the start of the jam, but with Rocky inches from her posterior, Boss would be forced to defensively call off the jam. Ramona Deflowers would go up against Ninja Please in her first-ever jam as a Puta, but Ninja would not be gentle for her first time and dominated her way to two more points for the Bombs (the safe word is pumpernickel). Puta Pea Khante was effective in shutting down Cherry Bomb Milla Juke-a-bitch, but once Lyka Boss was able to get lead jammer the Bombs went to a runaway defense that left the Putas with no points to show for the jam. Joliette Jane would continue to be impressive for the Bombs, leaping around the defensive wall set by Corazone and scoring five points, and then just a few jams later getting four points to close out the second quarter. The first half would end with the Bombs growing their lead to 27-9.
The second half would continue with more struggles for las Putas as Lyka Boss and Knock Out would both be in the penalty box, allowing Train Wreck to get eight points against Buffy Basher, who had to slide back and fill the jammer gap. Mouse was able to get two points for las Putas, but Zara Problem would have a problem with this and tackled Mouse at the top of the track and then the two would tussle it out. Not long after this, Lyka Boss would line up on the jam line and execute an epic scoring run, dodging first one and then another Cherry Bomb blocker that came flying at her (only to be met with the empty space where Boss used to be). When the jampocolypse (Jampocolypse: new derby name! Dibs!) was all said and done, and her opponents lay strewn about the track behind her, Lyka Boss would earn thirteen points on a single jam (the highest scoring jam that the W.C. has yet to see), reminding us all why she is the Boss. Joliette Jane would come back for more at the end of the third to get two points in a jam against Knock Out, who was held up by a barrage of elbows to the chest from Ninja Please. (Maybe Ninja just saw a spider on her shirt?) At the end of the third, las Putas had added to their score, but were still behind 44-29.
The Cherry Bombs would capitalize on another Puta penalty to start the fourth and Train Wreck Trina would get four points out of it. The blocking schemes and defensive walls of Rocky, Ninja and Bully would continue to plague las Putas, but their own defenses were still strong with Pea Khante, Corazone and Juicy Cooter going toe to toe with their opponents. That aggressive Puta defense would give Milla Juke-a-bitch and up-close and personal encounter with a rail-pole that she would, fortunately, walk away from seemingly unscathed. (I’m just sayin’, if that had been me, I would have to switch from boxers to briefs from now on.) Boss would continue to be the most effective point scorer for las Putas and would get two more against Joliet late in the fourth. To close things out, Rocky Casbah would steal a jam from Buffy Basher, which would inspire a scuffle and then a pile up at turn one and the bout would close with the Cherry Bombs victorious, 54-32.
The game was a slow build that ended with a bang as the Cherry Bombs put their various weapons into play against the never-say-die defense of las Putas del Fuego. The Bombs solidified their position for this season, and if my math is correct (and it almost never is, thanks public education) they clinched their spot in the post season this year. It’s exactly that depth of talent that makes the Bombs the threat that they are this season because it’s easy to keep the momentum going when your jammers are well rested because you have, like, eight of them. But I don’t dare count las Putas out yet. They’ve gotten used to winning over the last couple of seasons, and their final bout coming up is entirely in their hands to win. More than anything, it felt like bad luck was their worst enemy this time with several major penalties that kept Lyka Boss off the track. And the game was not a particularly penalty-heavy outing. (In fact there were so few penalties the game went along fairly quickly.) But the timing of those penalties just didn’t go in las Putas favor.
The end of the season is starting to heat up! Who will play their final bout this season and who will get one more chance at glory? Come back next time and maybe I’ll let you know. For a dollar. And a yo-yo, I want a yo-yo too.
Thanks again for reading, and the W.C. will see you here next time! Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me manhandle his photos.