Kitties on the Range


A post-bout analysis for the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Hellcats

Well, the W.C. got back from vacation and what was the first thing he did? Why he made straight for the Thunderdome to catch up on the most entertaining sport in the world! And this one promised to be a whopper as the Rhinestone Cowgirls took on the Hellcats. The Hellcats are on a hot streak, skating like they made the proverbial deal with the devil for unholy derby powers. They look poised to make a run at an undefeated season, but the next test of their mettle comes in the form of the Rhinestone Cowgirls. The Cowgirls have had a rough season on the range so far and are looking to turn things around. They’ve got the talent, but do they have the moxy to throw cold water on the red-hot (or should I say pink-hot) Hellcats? As the lights came up and the skates hit the boards, the next 32 minutes would give us the answer.

The hits came hard and early in this bout with the Hellcats Hannthrax taking solid licks from the Rhinestone’s Ablazin Grace in the first jam, but she still managed to kick things off with three points for her team. The Cowgirls would face setbacks early as a penalty would put them at negative numbers until jammer Bad Apple got them on the board with three points. Hellcat Knottie Knoxville wasted no time in her comeback bout to dish out the punishment on Cowgirl Mad Maxican, shutting her down and allowing her teammate Glitterotica to bring home three more points. The Hellcats would continue with a strong start from their jammers Break-n-Bake, as well as Jammit Janet, who would force Ablazin to call off a jam with Jammit hot on her heels. But the Cowgirls are not without their own weapons and Sassy Squasher jumped around the pack (In what I’m pretty sure was a violation of the laws of physics. But of course the refs didn’t call it. Come on refs! The laws of thermodynamics are there for a reason!) and roped up four more points for her team. The score would be close at the end of the first quarter with the Cowgirls behind at 23-10.

The second quarter kept the hits coming with Hellcat Heathen breaking up the Cowgirls pack to allow teammate Mo-Lest-her to earn four points on a jam. But Knotty Knoxville and Glitterotica wouldn’t let Heathen have all the fun and they did the same for Break-n-Bake on her next jam. Jammit Janet would also continue to plow around the track like she’s in a time warp (Did you see what I did there?) and stole the jam from Sassy Squasher when she was looking the other way. Knottie and Glitter would continue to team up like the wonder-twins of hard licks (Form of: a middle finger! Form of: a hand to hold up the middle finger!) and put some punishment to Cowgirl Bad Apple. But Apple was in no mood to be bullied and she payed the Hellcats back to the tune of five points, taking advantage of Jammit being in the penalty box. The Cowgirls would fight hard, but at the half the Hellcats were still up 40-14.

Starting the third quarter, Hellcat Captian Roxy Revolver would continue to block well, opening holes for an aggressive Break-n-Bake. The Cowgirls would also continue with a strong showing from Domme Draper and Bikini Killer who blocked fiercely, helping teammate Cold Warr take four points back behind the iron curtain. Apple would continue to earn points by capitalizing on Hellcats penalties, but whenever something would go the Cowgirls way, something else would seem to go against them as evidenced by Mad Maxican earning three clear points on a jam where she was well ahead of Break-n-Bake, yet the officiating team awarded Baker with three points of her own as well. A travesty of officiating? Only history will be able to judge. (Also, no one tell head ref Hatchet Ma that I said that. I’m in no hurry to find out if her name is hyperbole or not.) The Hellcats weren’t finished with their point runs yet, though and Jammit Janet fought hard for final single point at the end of the third to put her team up 58-22. Janet would crawl her way back to the bench, clearly grateful for the between quarter break.

The final quarter would kick off with Sassy Squasher sneaking out a point in a jam against Hellcat Hannthrax, followed by Ablazin Grace skeaking one past Break-n-Bake. The Cowgirls would continue to nickel and dime the Hellcats with Apple earning two more in a jam against Hannthrax. But Hannthrax wouldn’t take this lying down and the next chance she got she claimed an impressive eight points for herself. The Hellcats would continue to dominate the Cowgirls for the remainder of the bout, even feeling comfortable enough to attempt a jammer switch on the last jam of the bout. Break-n-Bake started as the jammer but by the end of turn one she had passed her panty to Heathen who would go on to earn six points on the jam. As things came together for the Hellcats on the final jam, Cowgirl Cold Warr decided she was going to get one last shot at the action and tackled Mo-Lest-her to cap off the bout. And so the bout would close with the Hellcats soundly trouncing the Rhinestone Cowgirls with a score of 90-27.

It was a tale of two teams at the Thunderdome this Saturday. The Hellcats have crafted a solid jamming core for themselves with the likes of Hannthrax, Jammit Janet and Break-n-Bake leaving their oponents in the dust like so much kitty litter. Under the leadership of Roxxi Revolver and Glitterotica and the impressive blocking schemes of Heathen and Soviet Crusha, they have solidified themselves as the complete package this season, and made an impressive turn around from last seasons disappointing run. The Rhinestone Cowgirls continue to have solid players, but are somehow not able to bring their talent into a cohesive unit this season. Their blockers, like Domme Draper an Bikini Killer, are strong. Their captains are experienced with Cold Warr and Dusty Doublewide showing all the passion and profanity you would expect. And with the likes of Bad Apple and Mad Maxican as jammers they are nimble and fast. The only thing that seems to not yet have fallen into place is the cohesion that would take them from a group of talented individuals to a team of frightening femme fetales. There’s still a lot of derby to go this season, and I for one can’t wait to see how it all shakes out!

That’s all this time from the W.C. Thanks for reading. If it wasn’t for you, this would be just another dark cul-de-sac on the information super highway.

Special thanks to TXRD announcer Kramer for helping me keep my facts straight, and to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me butcher his beautiful pictures.


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