Cherry Poppin’ Baddies



A post-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers.

The bad girls from the street corner faced off against the bad girls form the schoolyard as the Cherry Bombs took on the Holy Rollers at the not-so-neutral ground of the Thunderdome this Saturday. With league standings on the line, this would be more than just a schoolyard scuffle. Each team had earned themselves a victory and a loss this season, which meant that only one of them would emerge from this bout with a winning record. The Bombs came to the brawl touting a not-so-secret weapon: Rocky Casbah. That’s right, the hottest point scorer since that kid from The Wizard was on hand in her first bout since coming back from retirement. (You know, I hear shareef don’t like it.) But the Rollers fear no skater and laugh in the face of danger. (Although I’m not sure why they would do that. Hermione Danger is their teammate. It seems insensitive to laugh at your friends face.) Who would win this turf war with more than just bragging rites on the line? As the lights went down and the excitement cranked up, only the skates would decide.

Cherry Bomb Bendy Davis would kick things off in the bout by earning four points despite taking a hard rail to the back. The Bombs would look strong early with Rolla Parks and Lois Slay’n putting up a strong defense. Soon after, Rocky Casbah would get her shot at the action and take a shot from Atilla the Nun, who gave her a Holy-Roller-Howdy in the form of an elbow to the face. (Welcome back Rocky.) The crowd would collectively gasp as Holy Roller Prissy Galore took a hard hit and went tumbling out of the track, but she bounced back in like her bones are made of flubber, coming out of it with nary a scratch on her. The action would stutter early in the game with penalties interjecting themselves like your little brother at a slumber party (No Dustin, you can’t watch Ten Things I Hate About You with us. Mom rented The Pacifier for you, and stop trying to smell Kendra’s hair!). Cherry Bomb Bully Jean would put up a strong defense that would allow Rolla Parks to rack up points early, and Ninja Please would weave around blockers like a professional block-weaving-person (Look, they can’t all be gold. I’ve got a lot of ground to cover here.) Bible ThumpHer would continue to earn points for the Holy Rollers, but with most of the first quarter already gone, she was the only Roller yet to do so. The first quarter would cap off with a hard fought victory for Cherry Bomb Zara Problem as she bested Nicola Virus at an arm wrestling penalty that lasted longer than Vanna Fook’s latest hair color. The Cherry Bombs would wrap up the first quarter with a respectable lead of 31-6.

The second quarter would start off with a fresh smattering of penalties just to keep the officiating team from getting bored. (Complete non sequitur: How is it that Mardi Brawl can keep her hair so quaffed under that helmet? I mean, that kind of hold would put a 1990’s Luke Perry to shame.) Not far after the start of the second, Holy Roller Hermione Danger would take a bad fall and injure her leg (requiring the attentions of staff medic Dr. Evil) but, thankfully, she would leave the track under her own power. Stepping up to fill the shoes of her faller teammate, Dyers Eve would false start, but still manage to bring home five points for the Rollers (the most they had scored in one jam to that point). The Rollers would continue to put the pressure on with a hotly contested jam between Cherry Bomb Ninja Please and Roller Prissy Galore that would have Prissy just edging out Ninja to call off the jam. At this point it was a battle of the defenses with Elle B. Bach and Nicola Virus blocking well for the Rollers, and Bully Jean and Rolla Parks doing the same for the Bombs. ThumpHer would continue to be the only Roller consistently getting points on the board, nickel and diming them one at a time. But as the half drew to a close, the Bombs would still be ahead 43-16.

ThumpHer’s scoring passes would continue to yield results in the third quarter, but the Rollers would continue to be plagued by penalties. Hermione Danger would triumphantly return to the game in the third quarter, skating well against Rocky Casbah, who would barely call off the jam to keep Danger from stealing it. On the opposite end of the track, Zara Problem and Nicola Virus would get into a tussle that looked to be of a less than playful nature as tension on the track would mounted for the Rollers. Cherry Bomb Milla Juke-a-bitch would zip through the pack for a scoring run while Train Wreck Trina* sat on ThumpHer, effectively shutting her down for the jam. Soon after, Scrappy would find herself in a good position to bring home another fist full of points for the Bombs until Hermione Danger decided it was time for a little dark magic and tackled her to put a stop to her scoring run. (Hermione would also receive an elbow to the boob for her efforts. Worth it.) Despite her opponents suddenly playing by Australian rules**, Scrappy would continue to eat up points for the Bombs. Prissy Galore would earn four points against Train Wreck Trina on a jam that had Train Wreck taking a fair amount of punishment. But it’s hard to stop a Train, and that plucky powerhouse of a pixie would bring home five points on the next jam. By the end of the third quarter, the Bombs had stretched their lead to 74-26.

The train would continue to chug along in the fourth quarter, until someone put a penny on the tracks and Train Wreck derailed out of the track. Thankfully, though, it was another near miss for the night and Trina was back on the track faster than you could say Union Pacific. Elle B. Back would put on her best reverse block to shut down Scrappy on a well set up jam, only to be the recipient of a punishing reverse block of her own from Milla Juke-a-bitch. And while this would earn Milla a penalty for skating in the wrong direction, it was also a penalty for Elle, one that would bring her total up to three majors and earn her a one way trip down the walk of shame as she was ejected. ThumpHer would continue to be the Rollers most productive jammer of the evening, jumping through the pack like a jack rabbit and earning five more points on a late jam. But Rocky Casbah would not be outdone on her comeback night and fought back for five points of her own on the same jam. The pressure would continue to mount for the Rollers and Dyers Eve would let the pressure get the best of her when she cut the track to tackle Rolla Parks who had a commanding lead in the jam. The bad news would compound, however, as this was Dyers third major and she joined Elle in the ejected players club. And, to keep things from getting too stale late in the game, Ghettostar Balactica would take down Rocky Casbah like a luchador in a grudge match. The bout would come to an end with the Holy Rollers looking a little worse for wear and the Cherry Bombs victorious at 98-37.

The hits came hard and often in this bout, but the difference in score belies what was actually a well played game. The Holy Rollers came to the bout looking comfortable and prepared. Their blocking was organized and their jammers were hitting holes hard with ThumpHer taking her usual advantage on the high end of the track and Dyers Eve putting up another strong outing as a jammer. And their blockers were far from ineffective with Elle and Nicola controlling the pack and Ghetto and Atilla providing the hard hits to disrupt their opponents play. But the Cherry Bombs came to play and everything the Rollers did, the Bombs did just a little better. Their core blockers, Bully, Zara and Lois, not only hit hard but set up solid walls and impressive waterfalls that they were able to extend beautifully when it looked like a Roller would might escape the pack. Their jammers were as nimble as ever with Scrappy and Bendy weaving through the pack. But their biggest threat is their versatility. They’ve got great jammers in Ninja, Rolla, and newcomer Bambi Blows, but each of those skaters are also legitimate blocking threats who consistently shut down their opponents momentum and clear paths for their own players. Under the guiding arm of Train Wreck, the Bombs have found their stride this season. The Holy Rollers were not unprepared however, nor were they outclassed, they were just outplayed (and not by much). But they should have no shame in their performance for this bout, they made the Bombs earn every inch.

A special thanks to TXRD Announcer Kramer for helping me keep my facts straight.

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Come back next time for more from the W.C.!

*Accidently misspelled Train Wreck’s name the first time and created a new derby name: Trann-Wreck. (Dibs!)

**I have no idea what the actual Australian rules of any sport are, but I assume they largely involve adding the phrase, “Punching is encouraged.” to the top of the rule book.

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