A pre-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers.
The final bell has rung and the classrooms are empty as two gangs come together at the flagpole, brandishing switchblades and cracking knuckles as the Cherry Bombs and Holy Rollers prepare to face off in an epic brawl to see who’s the number one delinquent at the school of hard knocks that is the Thunderdome. They each have a 1-1 record, so which team will emerge victorious, and which team will have to run home to Mama with cheeks smeared with tears and cheap mascara? Lets take a look at who’s the baddest of the bad.
The Holy Rollers are coming off a win that they have to feel pretty good about, where they pretty soundly thumped the Putas del Fuego. Their biggest strength is their core of jammers: Prissy Galore, Hermione Danger, Bible ThumpHer and Dyers Eve. These bad girls from the chapel balcony zip around the track like Sonic the Hedgehog after two pots of coffee. And when they decide that skating isn’t good enough for them, Prissy and ThumpHer will just start running like they’re not wearing wheels. Backing up these speedy starlets is the solid blocking core of Ghettostar Balactica and Elle B. Bach. These two can shut down all resistance like evil robots from the future.
And then there are the Cherry Bombs who, like their namesake, are explosive and dangerous. They already have speedster threats like Milla Juke-a-bitch and Bendy Davis. Not to mention Train Wreck Trina who flies around the track like there’s no tomorrow. (Which it turns out is sadly true since she recently announced her retirement. Which is fine. I wish her happiness. It’s not like she ripped out my heart and stomped on it like some kind of horrible locomotive collision! No, I’m not crying. Just leave me alone, Dad. You don’t understand!) But this will be the first bout for the newly un-retired Rocky Casbah who doesn’t have to dress like Jesus to make people fall to their knees and beg for mercy. Add to that their recent acquisition of Bambi Blow in the mid-season draft and they could have the most dangerous group of point scorers this side of Death Race 2000.
So the brass knuckles have been pulled out of purses, switchblades have been pulled out of socks, and blackjacks have been pulled out of cleavage. The gangs are staring each other down and this ain’t about to be no dance-off. If you asked me two weeks ago who I would pick, I would have felt good about the Holy Rollers. But the return of Rocky Casbah means all bets are off. It’s been a long time since she’s tread the blood-soaked boards of the Thunderdome, so I stop short of calling her a ringer. But she’s got the skills to tip the scales on any given bout day. The Holy Rollers have got what it takes to win, so that makes it their bout to lose.
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the Thunderdome to find out how it all shakes out!
That’s all ’till next time from the W.C.!