Cherry Bombs vs. Hellcats
An unstoppable force met an immovable object as two undefeated teams took to the track at the Thunderdome last night. The Cherry Bombs and the Hellcats, each with a win under their belt, came to the bout to kick ass and to chew bubble gum. And they were all out of bubblegum. Actually that’s not true, I’m pretty sure Milla Juke-a-bitch is never out of bubblegum. Candy chewing habits aside, the Bombs would field a team chock to the brim with veteran players who know how to get the job done and are used to the sweet taste of victory (Tasta’ Victory–New derby name. Dibs!). But the Hellcats are a different team than they were just a season ago, and they’re not about to roll over and let anyone scratch their belly. Like your spinster Aunt’s cat, Mr. Mittens, if you get your chubby digits anywhere close to that tummy, they’ll bite the shit out of you. Only one team would stay undefeated, but neither were going to go quietly.
It was an interesting start to the bout as the head count of members for each team was an anemic eight players, before counting alternates. No one was going to get to half ass it tonight and at the start of the first quarter, the tension on the track was so thick that Hellcat Jammer Jammit Janet called off her first jam, rather than chance having Cherry Bomb Train Wreck Trina get the opportunity to run her down. But the Bombs would not be denied and Rolla Parks would shove Hellcat Hannthrax out of the way like a hipster at an Apple store to score the first points of the bout. There was no sluggish start for this bout, though, with Cherry Bomb Ninja Please blazing a trail through the Cats pack that allowed Train Wreck to get five hard-earned points, but Train Wreck and Rolla would end up in the penalty box as a reward for their efforts. Ninja would keep the pressure up in the next jam, and sat on Hellcat jammer Mo-lest-her until she decided she had enough and horse-collard Ninja to the boards, tearing open her uniform in the process. The quarter would close with the Hellcats up 16-13.
The intervening break would not cool Ninja’s or Mo-lest-her’s tempers, and they would scuffle again with the exchange of blows earning them each a penalty. As it would turn out, this was Mo’s third major and she would be sent packing, getting ejected from the game. The loss of one of their stronger jammers would set the Cats back and Cherry Bomb Bendy Davis added insult to injury when she slipped through the pack on the next jam forcing the Cats into a runaway-kitty defense to hold her to two points. The Bombs would continue to push the advantage with Rolla Parks having to correct back around a lollygagging Hellcat Soviet Crusha, but still managing to put up five points. The Cherry Bombs blocking was solid with Zara Problem controlling the pack and Bully Jean knocking Hellcat Hired Gun Ramona deFlowers on her rear to effectively shut down her jam. The defense wasn’t impervious, however, and Hellcats Hired Gun, Break n Bake jumped through the pack like a crazed ferret. This would signal the end of the half with the Cherry Bombs in the lead with 30 points to the Hellcats 25.
Jammit Janet would start the second half with a six point jam while her teammate Smash-U-Delirious showed solid blocking to shut out Train Wreck. Break n Bake would continue to jump around the pack like it was a game of Centipede, but Bendy Davis would catch the Hellcats flat footed on the next jam and take home five points. Rolla Parks took a hard fall in her next turn as jammer, but still managed to get seven points and shut out Brake n Bake with the help of well executed blocking from Ninja and Milla. This would turn out to be the last hoorah for Ninja, though, because she would earn her third major penalty and make the walk of shame out of the Thunderdome. Things seemed to be going the Hellcats way with Heathen putting up a solid defense and Break n Bake looking like she was about to take lead jammer when she took a bad spin and went down with an injury. By this point in the bout the players for both sides were looking fatigued and even cranky as Bendy was wobbly on her skates and Zara Problem flipped the table when she lost an arm wrestling penalty to Hired Gun Shania Pain. Ramona and Janet would each put up four points for the Cats to end the third to put their team on top 44-41.
The teams would start to grind each other down in the fourth quarter as Bendi Davis tied the game at 46 each with about five minutes to go. The hard hits would keep coming when Bully Jean went back for seconds and knocked Ramona on her ass again, resulting in an injury time out for Ramona and a high block penalty for Bully. As the teams continued to circle each other like heavyweight fighters in the twelfth round, Hanthrax would take the lead back at 48-46. Janet would turn the tables on Rolla Parks and knock her on her tail to the tune of three more points for the Hellcats. The Cherry Bombs would answer with a hard-earned point from Milla Juke-a-bitch, after which they would wisely take a time out to give their team time to catch their breath. The bout would come down to the last jam for the Cherry bombs as they fielded Milla to try for a big scoring run, but the jam would go against them and the bout would end with Zara Problem and Glitterotica duking it out on the ground while the Hellcats came away with a victory at 57-47.
It was an old fashioned slugfest that, in the end, had players brused, battered, ejected and downright exhausted. The Hellcats showed that they still mean business. They have a plan and they’re sticking to it. Glitterotica’s blocking was as solid as ever and her ability to direct traffic (and have her team take that direction) are clearly evident. It took Hannthrax a little time to get her footing in the game, with her small size putting her on the receiving end of some big hits. But, not content to be a pinball the entire night, she started darting around the pack and her tenacity paid off in dividends towards the close of the match. Jamin Janet, too shows that never-say-die attitude that’s helped put her teem at the top of the heap this season. Each team has a solid blocking core and the defensive battle is just as intense as the offensive one for these teams. The Cherry Bombs are as solid as ever and have good diversity within their players. Diversity that allows players like Ninja Please and Train Wreck Trina to not only be good jammers, but excellent blockers as well. Even Milla Juke-a-bitch (who gets little of her glory from blocking) was taking smart angles and putting plenty of girls into the rail. Not to mention that players like Rolla Parks have evolved into threatening jammers that opponents fear when they line up at the back line because they know she’ll just punch her way through any defense like Cool-Aid Man through a wall.
Either one of these teams could have taken this bout and neither one of them flat out lost. At the end of the day, the Hellcats just won a by little bit more.
That’s all this time from the W.C.! Thanks for reading. Be sure to tell your friends and you can follow this blog to get my random musings sent to your email directly! (That’s right, you can get me inside your inbox any time…bow-chica-bow-wow.)