Holy Hell


Unconfirmed sightings of an unknown creature were reported at the bout.

Putas del Fuego vs. Holy Rollers


The forces of good and evil came to clash at the Thunderdome last night as the Putas del Fuego took to the track for the first time this season to face off against the Holy Rollers. Those fiery Latin chicas arrived with all the swagger you would expect from the team that won the championship last year. With razors no doubt hidden in their bee-hive hairdos, they were out for blood. But the Holy Rollers were a wounded animal, coming off a tough loss in their last bout, they were cornered and that just makes a derby girl dangerous. Would the champions of goodness be able to overthrow the denizens of darkness? Are we even sure which team are the good guys and which the bad? I mean, they’re called the bad girls from Sacred Heart, they’re not exactly Mother Teresa types. I guess the greater of two evils will prevail.

The bout started smoothly for the Putas del Fuego with their go-to jammers Lyka Boss and Sab-A-Taj putting up points early on two easy jams. The Holy Rollers wouldn’t be bullied, however, and Dyers Eve answered the Putas with seven points of her own on a single jam. Not long after that Hermione Danger was able to capitalize on a Puta penalty to the tune of four more points. The Putas had come out swinging, but looked a little disorganized as the Rollers aggressive defense, lead by Boi Division, kept them in check. But the Putas aren’t a team that likes to be manhandled and they kept it close, ending the first quarter with the Rollers only up by just five points at 19-14.

Early in the second quarter, Danger took home another chunk of points when she scored seven off another Putas penalty. The Rollers blocking scheme looked good with Elle B. Bach creating openings for her jammers, and Danger grabbed those openings like an angry gynecologist and wrestled another seven point jam out of it. Late in the second, Puta jammer Sab-A-Taj was as solid as ever, but she and Holy Roller Dyers Eve would go neck and neck on jams with Dyer just edging Sab out to take the point. But the Putas are more scrappy than a drunk Latin grandmother and they kept the score close, closing out the half down only 47-35.

During the half, there were unconfirmed sightings of a dinosaur or dinosaurs, possibly on roller skates, at the Thunderdome. The dinosaur was not able to be reached for comment.

At the start of the third, the Rollers continued to look solid with Hired Gun Nicola Virus becoming an obstacle for any Puta jammer seeking to get clear of the pack. But blocker Pea Khante wouldn’t let the Putas be outdone and set up jams that gave Lyka Boss the chance to put more points on the board. Lyka would continue to punch her way through blockers like a redneck going after the last shake-weight in a Wal-Mart on black Friday. She would end up neck and neck with Rollers jammer Prissy Galore, but once again the Rollers would just edge out the Putas and take away another point. The Putas looked to be taking control of things toward the end of the quarter with jammer Knock out poised to score, but Roller Bible ThumpHer (Am I the only one who was sad to see #flower go away?) stole the jam from her and two points along with it. The quarter would end with the Rollers lead growing to 66-49.

Lyka Boss played the final quarter the same way she played the rest of the bout: by beating everyone up until they were afraid to do anything. By the end she had jammers so intimidated that they wouldn’t turn their back on her at the line and at one point she seemed to be inside ThumpHer’s head so much that she called of a jam, rather than risk facing Boss. But the Rollers still looked spry in the last minutes with Danger having enough gusto to jump the apex while blocker Ghettostar Balactica and Hired Gun Vanna Fook effectively shut down Knock Out. It wasn’t all animosity between the teams, however, as Ghetto and Pea Khante shared a special moment during their third penalty together and became penalty buddies (I’m pretty sure they made each other bracelets and everything). The Putas wouldn’t go down without a fight, though, and Bidi Bidi Boom Boom continued to be aggressive against Dyers Eve’s scoring attempts, while Knock Out got her third major penalty to put a cap on the evening and was ejected with one minute left in the bout. After those final 60 seconds were played out (and despite there being so many penalties at the end that I seriously lost count) the Holy Rollers took the day with an 84-53 victory.

Where the first two bouts of the season were categorically one sided, this was a very evenly matched game. Both teams came out strong, but the Putas seemed to hit some bumps early on getting their players fielded correctly. They would almost always regroup and set up a good pack after the initial confusion, but by that time the Rollers had usually already broken free were off to the races. The Putas are probably the most aggressive team in the league and they can cause chaos around the track, especially players like Lyka Boss who can be so intimidating that they change the way the other team interacts with them. But that energy can get squandered if it’s not focused in the right direction. The Holy Rollers, on the other hand, clearly took their last loss as a wake-up call and looked fundamentally solid. The jammer trifecta of Prissy, Danger and ThumpHer may have just become a quadfecta with Dyers Eve having a stellar outing in the jammer position. Their jammers were as strong as ever, but their blocking was the real stand out with coordination in the pack that allowed them to line up blocker after blocker to lead Putas jammers straight to the rail. This was a much needed win for the Rollers, but the loss for the Putas is probably not all that bitter since they’re a team that can rally easily and it’s entirely possible for them to run the table for the rest of their season.

That’s all for now from the W.C.. Did you see something at the bout that you think we should have covered? Let us know in the comments. And would it kill you to give us a like once in a while? Your mother and I are very worried about you.

3 thoughts on “Holy Hell

  1. I thoroughly enjoy your bent on the Lonestar league and roller derby in general. Very insightful and entertaining. I am sharing your posts on my Google Plus site so more can read.
    I have been wondering about the 3-D camera crew that followed all the action during the 2013 season, from early meetings in 2012 through the 2013 Calvello Cup, they filmed every move. They even came back the next season and filmed some more, like they were trying to fill in. I mean, here we are at the mid-season of 2016!!
    Girls have retired, moved out of the area, had children and moved on with their lives and and even had kids and came back to the track. Many of our stars are toiling yet in the Texas heat to bring us the most entertaining sport in the world…..and I want more. What are they waiting for? Maybe we should buy the rights and edit our own story. I know I would be interested.
    MIlla Juke-aBitch was a Hired Gun and drafted in that season and went on to help win the Calvello Cup Championship. She skated in 10 of the 14 games that season. Just Say’n


    • Thanks for reading! I remember seeing those cameras, but I had no idea what they were for. I think we all want more derby! That’s why I started this blog: to help get TXRD more exposure (if only in my very small way).


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